The Practice of Authentic Tuned in Listening

“There is a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest” – Michael P. Nichols – The Lost Art of Listening

Authentic “Tuned In” Listening – Being in search of an authentic mutual understanding and never assuming the interpretations of our conversations are correct.

The opposite of Tuned in is Tuned Out – passive, avoidance, distracted with no intent to listen.

When we listen well, we are making an authentic consistent conscious effort to understand and hear what someone is saying with the genuine and authentic presence of selfless humility, empathy and curiosity. In other words, “You have my full tuned in attention as I care about you, and what you have to say is important to me. I will seek to do my very best to understand you completely. I want us both to leave the conversation with confidence so we are telling our selves the right story versus the wrong one.” In other words, we ensure versus assume a mutual understanding.

Haven’t we all experienced times where we would leave a conversation and tell ourselves, I appreciate the fact they were listening, but I am not sure they really heard me?  In my experience, I appreciated the fact the person showed intent to listen to me, however there were indications and evidence of inattentiveness as they might look at their phone or look around with vague responses. As subject matter experts of our own emotions, the experience can leave us feeling:

  • Irrelevant versus relevant
  • Insignificant versus significant
  • Excluded versus included
  • Assumed versus unassumed
  • Mentally exhausted versus mentally strengthened
  • Telling ourselves the wrong stories versus the right ones

Listening To versus Listening With

Listeners Who Listen To:

  • More self-focused on ourselves
  • More concerned about how does what I am listening to impact me
  • Or what does what I am hearing mean to me

Listeners Who Authentically Listen With:

  • Have high levels of intuitiveness and curiosity
  • Empathetically listen in search to understand what others feel
  • Do not pass judgement
  • Clarify the conversation to ensure there is a mutual understanding
  • Summarize the conversation to ensure interpretation is understood
  • Listen to every stakeholder as if they are their very best customer
  • Never assume one conversation is enough to ensure a total mutual understanding

From the Marshall Goldsmith Coaching Stakeholder Centered Coaching® Community:

“80% of our success in learning from other people, is based on how well we listen.” – Dr. Marshall Goldsmith – World renowned business educator and coach.

You have been successful as a listener when others see you with an emphasis on:

  • Wanting their input – listening to what all stakeholders have to say
  • Paying undivided attention – Capturing what is said
  • Genuinely hearing their message – with clarifying/ confirming what we heard

From the book – Hardwired to The Heart – Authentic Servant Leadership

 Four Skills – Active “Tuned In” Listening

  • Questioning with visible curiosity
  • Being non-judgmental
  • Reflect and clarify
  • Summarizing to ensure the interpretation of what is being said is mutually understood

Helpful Active “Tuned In” Listening Skills:

  1. Questioning with Visible Curiosity– During the conversation we confirm we are listening with open ended questions that are directed to provide a clear path to the opportunity to reflect / restating what we heard reinforcing our genuine intent to want to listen.

 Visible Curiosity – The questions provide a visible curiosity we are making a genuine effort to understand. I like to encourage taking notes as we ask questions and listen as a practice that is not only great for the listener but shows / or is live evidence of a visible and intentional real effort to understand.

  • Non-judgmental – Intentionally not passing judgment as we listen showing selfless humility, unassuming empathy.
  • Reflect and Clarify – Which leads us to the opportunity reflect by referencing our notes and restating what we heard without judgement. This leads to clarification as we have taken notes and can ask questions in pursuit of a mutual understanding what we heard with who, what, where and why questions.
  • Summarizing – We are now ready to summarize and play back what we heard with key themes and main points to confirm our mutual understanding. In a case whereby we have follow-ups from the conversation it is always impactful to leave individual and team conversations with committed actions / accountabilities with specificity.

So when we think of tuned in listening, I like to think of the harmony ofour focus and energy being locked into the conversation with eye contact and body language that encourages an expression of genuine seriousness and care. Our tuned in listening behaviors encourage how authentically important the opportunity and desire to listen are.

“We can be much deeper thinkers if we practice being much deeper listeners first!”

Activation Exercise – The “Did I” Exercise

At the end of each day reflect on the conversations you had with your stakeholders. Then take the valuable time to journal the following questions by individual conversation. The exercise will activate your daily awareness in the pursuit of continuous improvement with your “authentic tuned in” listening skills.

Did I – Ask questions with a visible curiosity?  Y or N

Did I – Engage in the conversation without judgment? Y or N 

Did I – Reflect and Clarify? – Y or N

Did I – Summarize? – Y or N

Did I – Treat each person like they are my best customer? Y/N

Have a winning day!

More
articles